There are easier ways.

I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase, "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."  I have the greatest story that proves why we should all live by that wisdom.  This really happened, but some *fake names have thrown in to protect business reputations and grumpy old men.

A local sewer and drain guy, Stewart*, got a call out to a fourplex apartment building the other day to deal with a simple sewer and drain issue.  It made sense to him, to back into the extra parking spot in front of the building, just in case he needed to carry tools in from the back of his truck or whatever sewer and drain guys do.  Also, considering the extremely low temperatures last week Stewart left the engine on his work truck running.

Not the Actual Building

Imagine you live in the second floor apartment and your living room window is open.  The exhaust would get into your window and stink up your apartment which would inspire you to get up and shut the window, right?  I guess that line of common sense reasoning doesn't come naturally to grumpy old men.  Instead Al*, the grumpy old man, left his window open and stormed down the stairs yelling profanities at Stewart and demanding that he turn his vehicle off.  Al insisted that the exhaust from the van was going to give him carbon monoxide poisoning. Stewart respectfully refused, explaining the the heat needed to remain on in order to keep certain mechanical tools from freezing and becoming to stiff to use.

Al then took his profanities and demands, quite loudly to the apartment manager, Bob*, who agreed to try to work something out with Stewart.  When Bob spoke to Stewart he found that Stewart had a very reasonable demeanor and was quite happy to compromise.  He pulled his truck around to the front of the parking lot, closest to the street and parked with the rear of the van toward the street.  That was not good enough for Al.

Al called the police.  He informed the police that the serviceman was trying to poison him with CO1.  The police of course, were obligated to respond.  Since Al insisted that his health was in immediate danger, the police had no choice but to alert the necessary authorities.  The fun part is this, because he mentioned CO1, the fire department had no choice but to come out and clear the building.  Not to mention, the paramedics were also required be present in order to treat any victims of said poisoning. So the cavalry was dispatched, all the while the unsuspecting super and serviceman were carrying on with the repairs on the ground floor.

First up was the fire department. When they arrived, they blocked off the entire parking lot, because they weren't able to come all the way in.  Cars as well as the service truck were filling the area.  Then they went upstairs to check the CO1 levels in Al's apartment.  Al, grumpy turd that he was, refused to let the nice fireman in.  The fireman argued with him for a good ten minutes, making no headway at all.  Eventually, out of ideas, the fireman turned to the police officers for help.  They had hatchets of their own, and yes, they used them.  Al's front door was reduced to a pile of splinters.

Of course, Al was greatly exaggerating the danger and all of the CO1 levels were within safe parameters.  Al's behavior however was not.  He had moved his hissy fit to the parking lot where he was now acting belligerent and combative toward the police men.  His reward for all of his effort was being strapped to a gurney by the paramedics for transportation to the psychiatric ER where he could rest and calm down for a few days.

The punchline: Stewart had finished up his work a few minutes after emergency crews started to arrive, but he was unable to leave as they were blocking the drive.  So he ended up sticking around with his work truck running and releasing exhaust for an extra hour as a result of Al's 911 call.

From Girl to Woman

It has been requested that I give women equal treatment and write a list for them.  With women it is a little harder because the whole women's lib thing makes the demands on her differ.  A single career woman has different demands on her that a woman who is married.  And a woman who is married but has no children has different demands on her than a woman who is married with children.  Then there are single mothers who fall into a category all their own. They are basically super heroes and no list is required for them, they simply know how to do everything and do it.

I do not however believe that a man should have all the demands and the chick be free to be who she wants to be with no responsibilities whatsoever.  She can become whoever she wants to, but she must good at being that person.  And a woman who demands that a man be a man need to deserve that man

I've chosen to write my list based on things I believe a wife and mother should know, be, and be capable of doing. This list is meant for both stay-at-homes and working mothers.  And I say to the women the same thing I say to the men, "if I'm too sexist and harsh for you, get over it."

- sew on a button
- iron a crease
- walk with grace
- sit in a skirt
- paint her fingernails
- how to be modest with make-up and know when not to be
- boil water
- cook a turkey
- straighten a man's tie
- gas her own car
- how to check her own oil
- change a tire
- jump start a car
- put on a condom
- what type of scoring goes to what games (the major ones)
- how to hold a baby
- wrap a gift

Again, I reserve the right to edit this list however and whenever I feel like it.

Manly Things List

Things a man should be able to do: Wrestle bears, land a plane, make coffee, build a house and hunt moose


Ha ha, well maybe he should be willing to do those things if absolutely necessary, right.  Apparently my expectations are a little high when it comes to what makes a male human a man and not just a guy.  I don't really subscribe specifically to the above stereotypes, but I do separate the genders. It's sexist. I know, and I don't care.

The fact is, a man should be a man.  He should have cajones and a sense of responsibility.  No man should think that everything is okay when his wife is paying the rent, buying his cola and making dinner while he plays video games.  It should be emasculating.  Allowing a situation like this just proves that he is not capable. And I firmly believe that a man who can't take care of his woman can't satisfy her either. What follows is a real list of things that I think a man should do or qualities that he should possess.  If he doesn't, yes, I do think less of him. 


- work toward the financial stability of his family
- if unemployed dedicate a minimum of 20 hours per week solely to searching for employment
- if unemployed wash dishes, vacuum floors and help put laundry away
- help his children with their homework
- take the trash out
- open the mayonnaise jar
- stand up for what is right every time
- tell a creep to screw off if that's what is called for
- walk away and never turn back
- not participate in a slap fight
- shovel the driveway
- be able to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission
- know how to light a fire (in the fireplace, at the campground, on the grill)
- employ preventative maintenance to keep his car running
- wear a belt and keep his pants pulled up
- make a dinner reservation
- comprehend the word "no" and act on it
- put on a condom
- check what "that noise" was
- name the 4 C's

I reserve the right to alter this list in any way at any time.

If a man does not know what or how in regards to any of these items, he can quickly redeem himself. Asking, researching and changing are are ways of showing humility and willingness to learn and make that man exempt from judgement while taking action to rectify his ignorance.  If a man is unwilling to show humility, and unwilling to grow he becomes stagnant.  Any man that is not growing is useless and should be quickly discarded.  The faster he is replaced with a real man the less pain everyone (including him) will endure.

Dear Evelyn,

You have a cute______.

You make me _______.

You should ______.

Someday I will ______.

You me =________.

If I saw you now I'd __________.

I would build a _______ just for you.

I would get your name tattooed on my __________.

If I could sing you any song it would be _________.

We could __________ under the stars.

My love for you is like that of ____________.

Love,
_______________

(P.S. ______________.)

Repost this as "Dear (your name)" and see what kind of answers you get.

Copy and paste into a comment, fill in the blanks. You can figure it out.

Waste Some Time

Whatever you write, you should put a sample of it into this converter.

Let me know how it turns out for you. Leave a comment or email me.

I took an excerpt from a blog I wrote around three years ago.  You can read the original post here.

I was told:

Your text: 1191 characters, 234 words

Bullshit Index :0.04

Your text shows no or marginal indications of 'bullshit'-English.

North of Everything

Craig Crist-Evans is the author of a book entitled North of Everything.  It is a short novel about a young boy who moves from the warmth of Miami to the chill of Vermont.  The entire story is written in verse.  It's not my style and I can't honestly recommend it, but I did really enjoy the very first "chapter."  It captured the essence of turning away from being desert girl from Las Vegas and embracing becoming Alaskan.

North of Everything
Craig Crist-Evans

Here, north of everything,
when winter's almost done
and the sun begins to climb
above the mountains,
the old Winooski thaws.

Willows wave their pale leaves,
robins dig for worms,
and I hear the lowing cows,
     voices
          drifting
               soft
across the fields.

Here, north of everything,
we boil sugar from the maple trees in March,
plant long rows of corn in June, watch
October mountainsides erupt in leafy fire.

Here, north of everything,
all winter long, we sit beside the wood stove,
drinking cider, rubbing hands
to warm ourselves.

Here, north of everything,
where seasons change their clothes
from red and yellow, then white to green,
where I have learned
that fall turns to winter,
and winter turns to spring.

If it doesn't belong there, PUT IT AWAY!

Is this concept really that difficult to understand?  I'm sure that there are women around the world who's blood pressure just raised a point simply because I typed the sentence.

If you see an item in the wrong place, put it where it belongs.  I just solved half of the problems every husband will ever have for all eternity.  I have provided an invaluable education to teenagers worldwide.

There are so many ways to expand on this concept.  "Trash belongs in the trash can."  "Wet towels belong on the towel rack."  "Spoons should be washed, rinsed and then returned to the very same pocket in the exact same drawer they were removed from." "Don't leave your hair tangled up in the brush."  "Rinse your spit and toothpaste down the sink."  "Hang your clothes back up, on a hanger, in your closet."

Let's be real, though.  If you are old enough that you make messes by living  not by toddling, you are old enough to clean them up without a mother or a wife telling you step-by-step how.

Happy Movie

I just watched Dear John on FX. The first half of the movie was so sweet and happy and wonderful.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I know what a, "Dear John," letter is.  But it just kept up with a loving couple who wrote letters to one another when they couldn't be together because of his military deployments.  His name happened to be John so the title began make complete sense. And I got comfortable with how happy two people could be even though they were two characters in a movie.


I'd like to thank Nicholas Sparks and Jamie Linden for thoroughly disciplining my optimism.   In the future I will remember that chick flicks are not meant to make you happy and the phrase, "Dear John," still only has one meaning.

Caught on Camera

This awesome tech blog called Gizmodo posted an article with some hilarious pics from Google Maps Street View. I was inspired to find some on my own.  I found some scary, some weird, some funny, and some just plain strange pictures.  Click "LinkBack" in the caption above the picture to link back to the original posting.  To view the original Gizmodo article click here.

1. This creature under the water is being called Nessie, you know, the Loch Ness Monster.  I'm personally going to guess, giant squid. LinkBack

2. This is super sweet.  It's always a good thing when the fire department has enough free time on their hands to climb a tree and rescue a kitten.  That means nothing is burning down at least. LinkBack

3. Oops, I guess they missed one. This just sucks. LinkBack

4. Ummm, yeah. Better to have a horse's head than a horse's... "Linkback" recently broke.  Sorry about that.   

5. Is that a bum napping in the street? Nope it's a Aussie that's had one too many.  Dude, next time, sleep it off on the couch. LinkBack

6. Wow, someone has too much free time on their hands.  And I'm a little concerned about their obsession with Santa.  LinkBack

7. There's nothing dynamically new about this type of "freeway art," but I really like it. LinkBack

8. Let's Play. LinkBack

9. An alien invasion in Germany, oh no!  Oops, someone put the glass over the lens without checking. LinkBack

10. Water gun fight blown way out of proportion on the web.  I can see that that gun is plastic.  People just love drama. LinkBack

11. Artists put on a show for the Google street cam van. Say that five times fast. LinkBack

12. This is the scariest shot I found.  Can you imagine being out for a walk that day and happening upon this scene?  Yikes. LinkBack

13. I know a long day of shopping always makes me tired enough to wish I could crawl home instead of walk.  Wait a minute, he forgot his bags. LinkBack

14.  I really hope she said yes. LinkBack

15. Flash back. LinkBack

16. Hey buddy, you're double parked.  LinkBack

Earthquake

Alaska residents have a chance to help the USGS Earthquake Hazards Program map out the activity, damage, and range of Alaska's earthquakes.   Click on the following link, Earthquake Report, and fill out the form.  It only takes a minute and a half. The extra information can halp them give rescue groups the knowledge they needs to plan and train for true disasters in the future.

Laugh #1

Joke

There's a lot of stereotypes that just don't make any sense. Like there are some people that think that all Asians look alike. And that's ridiculous because a ninja doesn't look like a sumo wrestler. Totally different outfits.

Thank you, Myq Kaplan.


And here goes another simple laugh. Anonymous:

What is the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

The used car salesman knows when he's lying. 

Never Bored #1

Better than a coloring book...

I stumbled across a fun little program that runs on the web, no downloading required.  Just select any one of the moving tools along the bottom and experiment with clicks and drags of the mouse.  You can clear the page or save it with the simple buttons in the bottom right corner.

Here are some examples of my artistic genius.

Mind Changing

I just haven't been making the time to sit and blog when I have a little something to post lately.  I was thinking that maybe I should just let the blog idea go, because I don't fill it well enough to keep a steady stream of traffic.  But then today I changed my mind.

It happened when I was listening to Pandora Radio. First, Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" played and then, KT Tunstall's "Suddenly I See".  The words are just perfect for inspiring me.  They probably don't mean anything about writing to anyone else in the world, well maybe "Suddenly I See" might. To me though, they both just work.

"Unrwitten's" first 10 lines or so just perfectly explain what it feels like to have writer's block and "Suddenly I See" pretty well explains how I've felt every time I think of what it's like to be remembered for something that I actually care about. I'll be remembered by a lot of people for a lot of stupid things, and a lot of mean things.  I want to be recognized because my writing touched somebody. 

That's why I decided to try and give sane people insight into the less sane mind and give the less sane a place to remember that they are not alone.  Now that I've been re-inspired, I will make a point of rededicating myself to making time and reinvigorating myself daily.  I still don't know that I'll write something that actually makes a big difference daily, but at least I'll be here.  I'll get my written therapy in writing for others for a change instead of just myself.

Feel free to email me at desertbutterfly@writeme.com if there is a topic you want me to try and write about or question you'd like me to try to answer.

Some time soo I'm going to post a few pictures I took on my trips around the Anchorage area while tagging along with Mario to work.

How do you convince a person to run you over with their truck?

Today I have to talk about the most shocking thing I think I have ever seen.  Sometimes I watch this show called World's Dumbest.  It's a decent way to pass time when I'm waiting for something else to happen or Mario and I decide to eat in front of the TV, like we did tonight.  First off, let me offer a defense as to why I can be amused by such a completely stupid show... It makes me feel smart. In fact it helps me to appreciate that all of my friends are smart, as are at least 90% of the people in my family.  And this is based on one simple answer to one simple question. "Would you ever do that? or that? or THAT?" No, most of us wouldn't.  Then there's my favorite reason for enjoying this show.  It is proof positive that Darwinism is completely false.  Otherwise most of these people would never be capable of reproducing.  That's not a judgement, just evidence.

So today I saw a clip of this guy who refers to himself as Captain Awesome on World's Dumbest Thrillseekers 5. Now I don't know if you want to go through the hassle of logging in and whatnot to watch the whole episode, so I found a piece of the clip on Youtube.

On the show You could hear a lot more of what was going on.  The driver of the truck was actually completely ignoring the guy he had just run over.  He was on the phone with 911 flipping out about his truck being on fire.

And I have a response to one of the comments below the video on Youtube.  The question was, "How did the truck even catch fire."  My answer is, "It probably had something to do with the fireworks and the mattress attached to the front of the truck."

So now I would like someone, any one to answer my sincere questions, "How do you convince a friend to run you over with his truck? And how do you convince another friend to video the entire thing?

P.S.  I'm sleepy, so this post will be edited in the morning.

Art Around the Country

When I requested photos of artwork by local artists, I was not specific enough. I am so happy about that fact. Instead of presenting art by the local artists of Alaska and Nevada only. I get to present to you the local artwork of artists from Alaska, Hawaii, Illinois, New York, New Mexico, and Nevada. Some of these pictures came without explanation, so they won't be captioned. But I hope you enjoy looking at them as much as I did.

To the left is a hand painted post card, artist and photographer unknown, but we know that the title is, "A Mining History," And that you can purchase them in Seward Alaska.

Above: Northern Lights in Ice

This is only a small look at the huge ice sculpture extravaganza that Fairbanks, AK hosts yearly. They have entire streets full of homes with beautiful ice sculptures in front of their homes and in their yards. I plan to visit this winter if I can manage.

Above is a beautiful photograph that illustrates the true beauty of Alaska. The photo was taken by Art Wolfe, but the exact location is unknown to us.

To the left is a picture drawn by an unknown artist in Homer, Alaska. It is of a blad eagle wheeling in the sky which is a common enough sight to see in Alaska.

Above: Fishing boats, tuboats, small barges and even a couple yachts, from all around the Pacific Ocean, Join together off of the coast of Hawaii to create this aerial shot in an attempt to create awareness of the bad ocean conditions.

Cinco De Mayo, NY, NY

Lewis Tardy, Cicago, IL

Above: A Ginger Hart postcard. Scanned and submited from New Mexico.

To the right is a huge handcrafted garden in glass. This ceiling is featured in the Bellagio Hotel above the reception desk.

Above: The Las Vegas Strip

I know that it's cliche, but I really hoped that someone would submit one of these photos. See, for a "local" or "former local" such as myself. Aerial photographs of the strip are like our own personal puzzel. It changes on such a regular basis that looking at the strip is a challenge to figure out when the photo was taken. So come on locals, I've got a challenge for you... In the comment box I want you to leave me a year, guess if you have to... When was it taken?

Above: Rock art in Gold Butte, Nevada

If you look closely you can see petroglyphs on the wall in the bottom left corner. We used to love taking the kids out rock climbing and finding petroglyphs on a wall.