Everybody Poops

I work at my daughter's school so sometimes, I have to take a break in the little girls' room. Literally.  It's nothing special, I'm sure that everybody has to pee from time to time.  And, when you are responsible for keeping 500 children on schedule as they move from one place to the next, you need to stay hydrated. Hydration leads to urine.

Now, please tell me, was that first paragraph just more than you ever needed to know?  I feel that it was.  True or not, no one cares. That's how I feel about this book.

While squatting I couldn't help but notice this funny, if slightly disturbing, little sign hanging on the door.  Talk about blunt. The advice offered on this sign is good.  And kids from kindergarten up are using these toilets, so plumbing issues are bound to arise.  This sign is really just an extension of their education.


So I made the mistake of looking up the author.  Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi has the goal (I hope) of making children feel comfortable with their bodily functions by proving in gross detail that everyone, animal and human, that eats must have bowel movements as well.  This lesson may be helpful for those young children who are in the middle of potty training and are maybe having a hard time taking the next step.  The last page of the book however renders it trash and is too nasty for words.  Six illustrations of animal and human naked buttocks in the middle of pooping.

  YUCK!

No Tasing Six Year Olds or their Mothers

My new catch phrase is, "Never give me a taser." There are just too many stupid people in the world.  How else do you explain shows like, "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?"  And I don't have enough patience.

Let us focus for a minute on her greedy mom.  Here's a woman who gave her infant a stripper name at birth, the poor girl never stood a chance.  Then she capitalizes on her child by parading this ugly toddler around in front of every willing photographer on the planet, knowing that the world is pointing and laughing.

I have a daughter.  She's a real human being, and I would hate to think that random people like me, were writing stuff like this about her.  My job as a mother is part education and part protection.  But all June Shannon sees is the $20,000 per episode paycheck, attached to her little girl's curls.

I really cannot say what irritates me more, the fact that this woman has been called a good mother for her exploitative ways or that there are people out there who invest real time in watching the show.

There are easier ways.

I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase, "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."  I have the greatest story that proves why we should all live by that wisdom.  This really happened, but some *fake names have thrown in to protect business reputations and grumpy old men.

A local sewer and drain guy, Stewart*, got a call out to a fourplex apartment building the other day to deal with a simple sewer and drain issue.  It made sense to him, to back into the extra parking spot in front of the building, just in case he needed to carry tools in from the back of his truck or whatever sewer and drain guys do.  Also, considering the extremely low temperatures last week Stewart left the engine on his work truck running.

Not the Actual Building

Imagine you live in the second floor apartment and your living room window is open.  The exhaust would get into your window and stink up your apartment which would inspire you to get up and shut the window, right?  I guess that line of common sense reasoning doesn't come naturally to grumpy old men.  Instead Al*, the grumpy old man, left his window open and stormed down the stairs yelling profanities at Stewart and demanding that he turn his vehicle off.  Al insisted that the exhaust from the van was going to give him carbon monoxide poisoning. Stewart respectfully refused, explaining the the heat needed to remain on in order to keep certain mechanical tools from freezing and becoming to stiff to use.

Al then took his profanities and demands, quite loudly to the apartment manager, Bob*, who agreed to try to work something out with Stewart.  When Bob spoke to Stewart he found that Stewart had a very reasonable demeanor and was quite happy to compromise.  He pulled his truck around to the front of the parking lot, closest to the street and parked with the rear of the van toward the street.  That was not good enough for Al.

Al called the police.  He informed the police that the serviceman was trying to poison him with CO1.  The police of course, were obligated to respond.  Since Al insisted that his health was in immediate danger, the police had no choice but to alert the necessary authorities.  The fun part is this, because he mentioned CO1, the fire department had no choice but to come out and clear the building.  Not to mention, the paramedics were also required be present in order to treat any victims of said poisoning. So the cavalry was dispatched, all the while the unsuspecting super and serviceman were carrying on with the repairs on the ground floor.

First up was the fire department. When they arrived, they blocked off the entire parking lot, because they weren't able to come all the way in.  Cars as well as the service truck were filling the area.  Then they went upstairs to check the CO1 levels in Al's apartment.  Al, grumpy turd that he was, refused to let the nice fireman in.  The fireman argued with him for a good ten minutes, making no headway at all.  Eventually, out of ideas, the fireman turned to the police officers for help.  They had hatchets of their own, and yes, they used them.  Al's front door was reduced to a pile of splinters.

Of course, Al was greatly exaggerating the danger and all of the CO1 levels were within safe parameters.  Al's behavior however was not.  He had moved his hissy fit to the parking lot where he was now acting belligerent and combative toward the police men.  His reward for all of his effort was being strapped to a gurney by the paramedics for transportation to the psychiatric ER where he could rest and calm down for a few days.

The punchline: Stewart had finished up his work a few minutes after emergency crews started to arrive, but he was unable to leave as they were blocking the drive.  So he ended up sticking around with his work truck running and releasing exhaust for an extra hour as a result of Al's 911 call.

From Girl to Woman

It has been requested that I give women equal treatment and write a list for them.  With women it is a little harder because the whole women's lib thing makes the demands on her differ.  A single career woman has different demands on her that a woman who is married.  And a woman who is married but has no children has different demands on her than a woman who is married with children.  Then there are single mothers who fall into a category all their own. They are basically super heroes and no list is required for them, they simply know how to do everything and do it.

I do not however believe that a man should have all the demands and the chick be free to be who she wants to be with no responsibilities whatsoever.  She can become whoever she wants to, but she must good at being that person.  And a woman who demands that a man be a man need to deserve that man

I've chosen to write my list based on things I believe a wife and mother should know, be, and be capable of doing. This list is meant for both stay-at-homes and working mothers.  And I say to the women the same thing I say to the men, "if I'm too sexist and harsh for you, get over it."

- sew on a button
- iron a crease
- walk with grace
- sit in a skirt
- paint her fingernails
- how to be modest with make-up and know when not to be
- boil water
- cook a turkey
- straighten a man's tie
- gas her own car
- how to check her own oil
- change a tire
- jump start a car
- put on a condom
- what type of scoring goes to what games (the major ones)
- how to hold a baby
- wrap a gift

Again, I reserve the right to edit this list however and whenever I feel like it.

Manly Things List

Things a man should be able to do: Wrestle bears, land a plane, make coffee, build a house and hunt moose


Ha ha, well maybe he should be willing to do those things if absolutely necessary, right.  Apparently my expectations are a little high when it comes to what makes a male human a man and not just a guy.  I don't really subscribe specifically to the above stereotypes, but I do separate the genders. It's sexist. I know, and I don't care.

The fact is, a man should be a man.  He should have cajones and a sense of responsibility.  No man should think that everything is okay when his wife is paying the rent, buying his cola and making dinner while he plays video games.  It should be emasculating.  Allowing a situation like this just proves that he is not capable. And I firmly believe that a man who can't take care of his woman can't satisfy her either. What follows is a real list of things that I think a man should do or qualities that he should possess.  If he doesn't, yes, I do think less of him. 


- work toward the financial stability of his family
- if unemployed dedicate a minimum of 20 hours per week solely to searching for employment
- if unemployed wash dishes, vacuum floors and help put laundry away
- help his children with their homework
- take the trash out
- open the mayonnaise jar
- stand up for what is right every time
- tell a creep to screw off if that's what is called for
- walk away and never turn back
- not participate in a slap fight
- shovel the driveway
- be able to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission
- know how to light a fire (in the fireplace, at the campground, on the grill)
- employ preventative maintenance to keep his car running
- wear a belt and keep his pants pulled up
- make a dinner reservation
- comprehend the word "no" and act on it
- put on a condom
- check what "that noise" was
- name the 4 C's

I reserve the right to alter this list in any way at any time.

If a man does not know what or how in regards to any of these items, he can quickly redeem himself. Asking, researching and changing are are ways of showing humility and willingness to learn and make that man exempt from judgement while taking action to rectify his ignorance.  If a man is unwilling to show humility, and unwilling to grow he becomes stagnant.  Any man that is not growing is useless and should be quickly discarded.  The faster he is replaced with a real man the less pain everyone (including him) will endure.

If it doesn't belong there, PUT IT AWAY!

Is this concept really that difficult to understand?  I'm sure that there are women around the world who's blood pressure just raised a point simply because I typed the sentence.

If you see an item in the wrong place, put it where it belongs.  I just solved half of the problems every husband will ever have for all eternity.  I have provided an invaluable education to teenagers worldwide.

There are so many ways to expand on this concept.  "Trash belongs in the trash can."  "Wet towels belong on the towel rack."  "Spoons should be washed, rinsed and then returned to the very same pocket in the exact same drawer they were removed from." "Don't leave your hair tangled up in the brush."  "Rinse your spit and toothpaste down the sink."  "Hang your clothes back up, on a hanger, in your closet."

Let's be real, though.  If you are old enough that you make messes by living  not by toddling, you are old enough to clean them up without a mother or a wife telling you step-by-step how.